Picky eating is such a broad term and something that may mean different things for different people. So what actually is a picky eater?

• A picky eater is a child who will have a decreased range of foods but still eat quite a variety.
• Foods are eaten for a while and then lost due to ‘burn out’ and then often regained after a break from that food.
• Picky eaters are often able to tolerate new foods on their plates even if they won’t eat them but will be selective about what they choose to taste.
• A picky eater will most often eat at least one food from each of their food groups but will most likely favour one or two food groups over the others.

The risk with picky eaters is twofold - both nutritional and emotional. If your child is consistently avoiding a whole food group eg the fruit & veggie group then he will be at risk of certain key vitamins and fibre. If this is ongoing you as a parent are likely to become stressed and this will lead to a stressed out feeding environment and unhappy eating time. (Emotional fallout).

To put it simply, during a picky eating phase it is important to supplement the missing food group by adding a good multivitamin. If you feel your child is missing out on energy (eating too little overall) as well as avoiding a whole food group then adding a milk supplement for picky eaters may assist you in managing this phase to avoid added stress around meal time. You need to diffuse the situation and avoid food battles at all costs. Remember your responsibility is when, where and what you feed your child and your child’s responsibility is how much they eat. It is a phase, which will pass, maintain their health with the use of good sound supplements if necessary and relax as they explore foods and find out their own likes and dislikes!

The old adage -  “Maternal guilt, it comes with the placenta” is completely true. Being an expectant mom is an overwhelming experience and as a mom of a fourteen year old, I can tell you that it never really changes. With each of my babies I have been overwhelmed by the guilt – guilt over what I ate in pregnancy, how I delivered my third baby, when I stopped breastfeeding each time, leaving my baby boy with the nanny for the first time, going to work every morning when my third baby was little, loosing my cool and shouting at them all over a little mess…. the list goes on and on. And yours does too, right?

Where does this crazy overwhelming guilt come from? I think that as parents we feel an enormous weight of responsibility for a life. We take every decision very much to heart because we have a real sense that we are impacting a human life forever. And that is a huge responsibility, a colossal task.  I believe this is the reason we analyze every decision we make and strive to do the best for our baby all the time. But a lot of the time the decisions we make, have to consider other variables - our own needs, another child's needs, our husband or our work. So when we are balancing all these needs and responsibilities, it is a given there will be some compromise. It is in the moments of compromise and in the small errors we make as human beings that the guile of guilt manifests.

Another major factor in the guilt we feel is the pressure and expectation to be the perfect mom. We live in a society that expects excellence and sets the bar very high. Many moms come from a background of academic success or career achievements and they have very high expectations of themselves. High expectations are both external (society, husbands and family) as well as self-imposed.  Sadly we seem unable to cut our selves any slack and just as bad, we judge other women on unachievable standards too. The mommy wars are a very sad manifestation of the expectations we have of each other to be the perfect mom all the time.

So take it that maternal guilt is absolutely part of parenting and it starts from the moment of conception and continues through life. What can we do? The important thing is to keep perspective. 99% of the things we sweat and the guilt trips are really irrelevant in the big picture. Will your baby be scarred forever because he got a nappy rash when you left a dirty nappy on for too long? The answer is no. Will your little one be an emotional wreck because you had to leave him to cry for a few minutes while you wiped your toddler's bum? No, he won’t.

So my message to my pregnant self all those years ago would be:
• Keep perspective
• Don't sweat the small stuff
• Tell your self daily you are a good mom
• Encourage your partner and your friends on their journey
• And just be good enough - NOT perfect.

Firstly, enhancing optimal development involves specific interactions or activities with your baby – in other words, there is an element of good parenting that focuses on the baby.

Photo by: http://neverphoto.com/

But equally important, there is a component of good parenting that has to focus on you - as women and men. Since you are a unit (a triad – mom, dad and baby), you need to make sure that you take care of yourselves and your relationship too.

The perfect recipe (unachievable, I know) is thus an emotionally healthy and available parent plus focused time and interactions with your child.

So with this in mind here are five fundamentals that really do make a difference.

1. Slow down and spend time in the moment, making memories, with your baby. This is critical because only when you slow down do you make yourself fully available to read your baby’s signals and connect with him or her through play and communication. Resist the parenting rush and don’t multitask every moment of the day.
2. Do not compare your baby or compete with other moms in the ‘parenting competition’ – comparing who is the better mother. We are members of the same side – moms doing the best we can. And your baby is not in any race of their choosing. Don’t compare your baby’s skills with the next baby.
3. Never say “never” when it comes to parenting. Every time you say never, you set yourself up either to fail when you give in or to judge another parent for doing the so called - forbidden. Usually the ‘never’ is something unimportant like ‘never suck a dummy’ or ‘never use disposables’ or ‘never say no’.
4. Value yourself as a mother and resist maternal guilt. You are the best mom for your baby and you are doing a great job of being a good enough parent for him or her.
5. Balance your baby’s stimulation and calming activities, ensuring that he does not suffer undue over stimulation and irritability.

Can we live up to these completely? Probably not but lets try! Most of all I wish you a special year with your baby, the Baby Sense way!

Some facts

• Women are more likely to become depressed in the first year after having a baby (and the last trimester in pregnancy) than any other time in their lives
• 10-15% of mothers develop postnatal depression (PND), and in developing countries and poverty stricken areas, the figures are much higher
• Research has shown that 1/3 of Khayelitsha moms suffer from PND
• Suicide is the leading cause of maternal death in developed countries
• The new father can also get depressed. Dads often feel left out and unwanted when babies come along.

As a new mom, it’s so easy to feel frustrated, disappointed, confused, depressed and anxious when you’re expected to be blissfully happy. The media contributes to this problem by perpetuating a lie about motherhood and babies by publishing only pictures of young, beautiful, skinny, model mothers, and bouncy, smiley, contented babies. There are relatively few pictures in baby and parenting magazines of the graveyard shift, mothers looking and feeling like hell, trying to soothe an unhappy baby, trying to breastfeed a screaming baby who can’t seem to latch, etc. In the context of this fairy tale, idealized image of how motherhood and babies are supposed to be, the reality can feel like a huge let down. It can even feel like a betrayal.

A Cape Town couple, Lisa Lazarus and Greg Fried, co-wrote The book of Jacob which, unlike most other books about babies, is an honest, frank description of the hell they experienced during the first year of their son’s life. Although loads of people have loved this book and find it a huge relief that others too struggle with parenthood, Lisa and Greg have received hate mail from outraged readers who couldn’t bear the fact that these brave parents owned up to how hard it can be having a baby. In writing this book, they shattered the image of perfect, idealized babies and parents.

The truth is that real babies can disappoint their parents sometimes …especially sick babies, colicky or refluxy babies, unplanned babies, high need babies who cry a lot and are irritable and difficult to soothe, babies who don’t feed well, and babies who are abnormal or handicapped in some way. It’s very disappointing when you realize that your baby can’t meet your own unmet needs and he won’t be everything you want him to be.

In addition to this, motherhood goes hand in hand with a substantial number of significant losses, such as:

• your sense of self and aspects of your identity
• your own life takes a back seat and the level of self-sacrifice is very high
• your freedom and personal space and time
• your status and credibility (motherhood is undervalued)
• your relationship with your spouse becomes altered
• your sexuality and physical appearance…there’s no time or energy to make yourself look beautiful and most moms would rather sleep than have sex
• your career and financial freedom
• independence and marital equality
• energy levels are compromised
• sleep deprivation takes a terrible toll on your mental state
• your mental health can become compromised

What can help?
The loving support of a spouse is really important! Part of the dad’s role in the beginning is to look after the new mother. Support from friends and family is also protective, as long as it is the kind of support that empowers rather than controls. Often your own mother can be the most powerful factor that either strengthens or undermines your ability to cope as a new mom. Connecting with other people, especially other new moms, is extremely important. New mothers are often socially isolated, and being alone with an unhappy baby is not easy.

If you find yourself struggling as a new parent or if you need emotional support or guidance with your baby, contact one of our Babies in Mind practitioners in your area, either to join one of our workshops, attend one of our talks, or for individual consultations.  All our practitioners are mental health professionals with specialized training and expertise.

Jenny Perkel (clinical psychologist)

Find us at 
www.babiesinmind.co.za

 Contact Jenny Perkel (+27 21 4619153 or jenny@perkel.co.za) to find the most suitable practitioner closest to you.

I have a 3 week old baby boy, who has now become colicky. Everything he drinks, like water and breast milk doesn't seem to stay down. He is always bringing it up after a feed and especially after a burp. Is that a problem, and how can it be prevented?

ANSWER

Many babies do burp up some milk and this usually doesn't cause discomfort. If the milk curds burn his oesophagus it may be painful. To help your little one: Firstly, do not feed any water. Exclusively breastfed babies do not need water in addition to milk. Secondly, if he is gaining weight nicely, try not to feed more frequently than 2 1/2 to 3 hours since the last feed STARTED because over feeding water and milk may be resulting in regurgitation of feeds. After a feed, burp him for only 5 minutes - don't pursue the burps as this can result in regurgitation of feed and over stimulation. Use strategies such as: swaddling and rocking to settle him. Put him in a sling if he is over tired and niggling. Try to ensure he is awake for no longer than 1 hour between sleeps so he is not over tired, which also leads to crying.

Question:
My one year old has a very nasty habit of biting especially when she is excited or frustrated. This weekend she bit an older child and I'm really concerned as to how I can stop this. When she does it to me I say NO firmly and distract to something else ? Any tips ?

Answer:
It is such a difficult situation when your baby is the culprit. You must feel really sad and concerned. Firstly, you do need to analyze why your little one is biting - maybe she has been expected to 'play' with another little one for too long or with a child who she is out of her depth with. Overstimulation and frustration can reduce any child to outbursts. I would limit the time your baby spends in a social situation to 1 hour at a stretch per year of her life (i.e. For a one year old, a one hour play date is adequate). Make sure she has slept before an outing so she is not over tired.

The best way to respond in the moment is to reprimand briefly - eg: "No we don't bite." Then immediately go to the victim and say: "That was not nice, biting is horrible and it hurts. We are very sorry." Then give lots of care and attention to the victim and no attention in that moment to the biter. The message must be clear: biting hurts and it is not kind but the focus and attention is on the victim.

Lack of attention will be more likely to quickly discourage the behaviour from happening again. I am not a fan of either biting or hitting a child in this circumstance as it reinforces the behaviour through negative attention. If the occurrences get worse, removing from the situation through time out often works.

The adjustment to being a new parent is dramatic and almost no parent is fully prepared for the transition. Then just as you begin to find your equilibrium again (albeit a new equilibrium) the question arises over when the best time is to have another baby. 

When it comes to siblings here are the most common questions:

What is the perfect age gap?
As with any parenting question - there is no perfect science and every family is different. There are however some things to consider:
• A very small gap (less than 20 months) is very hard on mom as you are still recovering physically from childbirth and are bound to still be sleep deprived and tried.
• A very large gap (more than 4 years) means that your little ones may not connect as friends, particularly in the preschool years.
• A gap of 3 years 3 months is a good gap – your toddler will understand the arrival of the new baby and you will have more reserves to cope with the new baby.

Coping with two little ones’ sleep requirements 

Managing two little ones’ sleeps presents a new set of challenges as each has very different sleep needs. Consider the following for your two little ones:
• Your older toddler, will probably only be having one sleep a day over midday and should be in bed by 7pm latest. The midday sleep takes priority over everyone else’s day sleeps, because if you rock a toddler’s day sleeps, you will loose the day sleep battle very quickly. So above all, ensure you are available to settle your toddler to sleep for his day sleep. 
• Your new baby should follow the ‘Awake time’ appropriate for her age. If her day sleep time coincides with the start of the toddler’s day sleep, put your toddler to sleep first, then the new baby. However, evening bedtime for the younger baby is more critical than the toddler’s bedtime. So stick carefully to a calming bedtime for your younger baby as little ones are more likely to become unsettled and colicky in the evening than toddlers.

To share or not to share a room?
Usually the decision of where your babies sleep is governed by accommodation in your home. If you only have one extra room, clearly the decision is made. If however you have more space and can’t decide use these principles:
• If you have two good sleepers, sharing a room is a great idea in the early years  – children derive comfort from having company at night.
• If your toddler is a deep sleeper there is no harm in having your baby sleep in his room from early on.
• If either baby is a sensitive baby and sleeps lightly, you will probably find that you have double trouble if the other child wakes.

Preventing sibling rivalry
Sibling rivalry is hard to manage and as a mom is one of the most difficult parts of parenting. The root of sibling rivalry probably lies in personality – a competitive and/or insecure child is more likely to be volatile and difficult with a sibling. One of the best ways to prevent sibling rivalry is to have an actively involved Dad. If Dad spends good quality time with the older child leaving mom freedom to do the nitty gritties of the early days with the new baby, the older child is way less likely to be jealous.

What does make a difference?
To ease the transition for you and your babies:
• Avoid too small a gap
• Spend one on one time with your toddler some time in the day, he will need the emotional reserves as he learns to cope with your divided attention
• Get a sling or baby carrier so your hands can be free to care for your older child
• Be rigid over toddler day sleeps to prevent your older child from being unplayable in the late afternoon
• Get help for the evening times so that you can give your new baby undivided attention in the evening before bed – a time when she is likely to be unsettled.
 

There are few sounds that penetrate our ears in quite the way the sound of crying baby does! Just spend a little time on a flight near a bawling newborn or screeching toddler to feel the levels of tension and panic rise for all nearby.

As a parent you are preprogrammed to respond physically to your baby’s cry. You may find that your blood pressure rises, as a mom, your milk letdown can be induced and your heart beats a little faster when you hear your baby cry.

New parents are often unprepared for the amount babies cry and the feelings it will induce. It may amaze you to know that many young babies (under four months old) cry for three hours a day! That is an enormous amount of crying a parent has to contend with. But stats mean nothing until you are face with a fussing baby!

In the stressed moment of dealing with your crying baby, you need a simple 3 step approach to stopping the crying.

Step #1 Try to figure out what is upsetting your baby
By process of elimination establish whether your baby:
• Is hungry
• Needs to burp
• Is uncomfortable.
o Has a wet nappy
o Is in uncomfortable clothing
o Is too hot or too cold
• Is sick
o Is running a fever
o Is in pain

If you have ruled out these obvious causes of fussing and your baby is still not the happiest kid on the block, you need to move onto step two to calm your baby.

Step #2 Try Soothing Sensory Strategies

1. Sensory awareness
Be sensitive to your baby’s sensory world and his sensory load.
• When your newborn starts fussing, take notice of the smells and sights he is being subjected to.
i. Longer than 10 minutes under a mobile which your baby can’t escape can be enough to over stimulate a newborn.
ii. Don’t wear overwhelming smells such as perfume or after shave in the early days
iii. Watch the sounds in the environment - your baby is sensitive to loud or unpredictable sounds
• Watch your baby’s world for too much stimulation. As the first year progresses, your baby will cope better with stimulation and it is easy to fall into the trap of thinking more stimulation is better. If your baby shows the following signs he may have had enough and need to be removed from the stimulus or have the stimulus removed from him:
i. Rubbing eyes
ii. Sucking hands
iii. Tugging ears
iv. Looking away
• To prevent toddler melt down, watch the social situation you subject your toddler to carefully. Toddlers have a tough time socializing with each other because toddlers are unpredictable group. They fall on each other, touch each other with sticky hands and may for no reason bite or bang each other.
i. As a rule of thumb limit social situations, such as an outing or a party to 1 hour per year of your toddler’s life. For example a one year old may only cope for one hour, a three year old for three hours.
ii. Make sure your toddler is well rested before birthday parties
iii. Keep parties small and manageable

2. Sleep times
An overtired baby of any age will battle with over stimulation and become fussy. To prevent colic, crying and chaos watch your baby’s ‘awake times’. (See Baby Sense for details for age appropriate awake times.)
• The newborn (0-12 weeks) can only be awake for very short times: 40 minutes for the first few weeks, stretching to 90 minutes by three months old.
• From three months onwards, your baby will start to develop a nice day sleep routine of their own. Encourage this routine as it will prevent crying due to over stimulation.
• Toddlers still need day sleeps and you need to ensure that your toddler has one good midday sleep if you want to avoid chaos!

3. Self calming
At birth most babies’ self calming strategies are largely underdeveloped. One of the first tasks of the first three months becomes to develop self calming strategies. What do self calming strategies look like?
• Hands to mouth
• Looking away
• Looking at mom
• Grabbing security toy
• Sucking dummy or hand
• Bringing hands to midline
What can you do?
• Give your baby space to develop self calming strategies by not popping his dummy or your breast into his mouth just to calm him. Obviously if your baby is crying so much that he is unable to self calm, particularly newborns, you will need to help him find something to suck as sucking is a wonderful strategy for calming.
• Recognize self calming for what it is, don’t think that when your three month old is sucking his hands vigorously he is teething; he is probably self calming to cope with all the stimulation of the world.
• Teach your baby self calming strategies by wrapping him with his hands near his face or holding his hands to his mouth.

4. Soothing touch
Swaddling for the newborn and deep pressure as your baby gets older work well. We all know how good and calming a hug feels or how tranquil we feel after a deep massage. That deep touch is exactly what babies need.
• Swaddling is the best way to mimic the soothing pressure of the tight womb walls, to keep your newborn calm.
• As your baby gets older he may not like to be swaddled as tightly and may push his arms out. For sleep times you can continue to swaddle under the arms. Massage is wonderful for this age as they will lie still and benefit in many ways from the touch.
• For toddlers and even through to the teen years, nothing works as well as a big hug from mommy. When your toddler is feeling chaotic and about to throw a temper tantrum, give him a containing hug before the melt down begins.

5. Soothing movement
Movement like the lulling movement of the womb world is calming for babies.
• For the newborn use a sling to carry your baby as your baby will be well supported and feel calmed by the deep pressure and calming rocking motion.
• If your older baby has a typically cranky time of day or is over stimulated, a good walk in a pouch, sling or pram works well.
• For toddlers a ride in a swing is a wonderful way to calm the chaos, especially at the end of the day when a late afternoon nap is out of the question.

6. Sounds
Soothing sounds are an excellent way to calm a cranky baby and toddler.
• The newborn responds amazingly to the familiar sound of the womb. White noise, such as intrauterine sounds and ambient world sounds, masks the noise of the world and thus calms fractious babies. In recent research on the effect of white noise it was found that playing white noise at a volume similar to a babies’ cry decreased time spent crying by 30%.
• Older babies and toddlers love the sound of your voice and lullabies work wonderfully. Tapes with songs of children’s voice are also useful.

7. Slow down
Sometimes in the panic of trying to calm a crying baby, we tend to try too many solutions at once. All the added stimuli are enough to make matters worse if your baby is already over stimulated. In addition to this you become flustered and at the end of the day don’t know what actually made the difference.
 
Slow down and try one of the above mentioned strategies for 5 minutes before moving onto the next one.

Step #3 Take care of yourself
Caring for a colicky newborn, crying baby or chaotic toddler can take its toll on you. If you feel you are unable to go on or are not coping with the crying it is vital for your sake and that of your baby that you seek support. The two major risks of burning out are postnatal depression and shaken baby syndrome. Both are equally serious and have potentially long term devastating effects for your baby.

If you have had enough of the crying and no strategies are working:
• Put your baby down and leave him safely in his room for a short period while you gather yourself together with deep breaths
• Call for the support of your mom, husband or an au pair for a few hours each week to give you time out
• Make sure you sleep when your baby does as sleep deprivation adds to the feelings of desperation.

As tough as the early days of crying are, they do pass but when your baby fusses, you will find the three step strategy works well. Look for the reason for the fussing by going through the process of elimination, use sensory soothing strategies and take care of your self.

Most babies start to sit at around 6 months of age and so begins a relatively peaceful window in the first year. Most babies are fairly content to sit and play. Sitting gives your baby more control over his world and an interesting vantage point from which to interact.

After the lull of the 6 to 9 month period, when your little one seemed more manageable, arrives the 9 to 18 month period.  This is without question the busiest and most exhausting time for parents. Your little one beings to crawl and move and with this activity comes danger – a little one who is into everything. You cannot take your eyes off him for even a second once he’s on the go.

As soon as your baby starts crawling, you need to baby proof your house:

• Cover plug holes
• Take table cloths off tables
• Secure bookshelves to the wall
• Pick up all objects smaller than your baby’s fist (an older toddler’s small toys pose a real choking risk)
• Put the dog and cat food on a higher surface or in a room that baby cannot get to
• Do not leave any body of water uncovered (swimming pools, ponds etc)
• Secure the toilet closed
• Put door slam protectors onto doors
• Take the glass and breakables out of low kitchen cupboards and place Tupperware and plastic in the lower levels.

10 activities to do with your 6-12 month old:

NOTE on development:

If your little one did not sit at exactly 6 months and is not crawling at around the time other babies crawl, don’t be overly concerned. Between 6 and 12 months, development varies extensively between babies.  Some little ones sit at 5 and a half months and crawl at 8 months while another may sit at 6 months and crawl closer to a year. As long as your baby achieves each milestone in time, you do not need to worry.

“…your baby can only benefit optimally from stimulation when it is balanced, varied and meaningful and occurs at a time when he can best utilize the sensory input..”

Stimulation is important for brain development – of that we are sure. The connections (synapses) that are made between brain cells are vital for development. For example a connection in the language part of the brain will result in understanding of speech or in speech itself. Connections are mainly made between brain cells in the presence of stimulation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=VNNsN9IJkws

As important as stimulation is for development; we do not want to over stimulate our babies either. It’s a fine balance that we need to aim for. Here are a few guidelines on ‘sense-able’ stimulation:

• Appropriate stimulation at opportune times of the day is beneficial for your baby’s development. Choose a time of day when your baby has been fed and is well rested. This may possibly be after the early morning nap. In a content state, your baby will best benefit from stimulation activities.
• Overstimulation leads to fussiness, especially in young babies and is not beneficial. Watch your baby for signs of fussing and withdrawal and stimulate him only when he is calm and alert. While you are stimulating your baby he may start to show early signs of overstimulation, such as looking away, grizzling, high pitched shrieks and hand sucking. When you notice these subtle signals, stop the stimulation or remove your baby from the stimulus.
• Don’t over schedule your baby, rushing him from one activity to the next. Choose baby classes with care and thought and schedule them so they don’t interfere with your baby’s sleep times. An overtired baby will not enjoy or benefit from stimulation. As a rule of thumb: babies under three months need no additional stimulation groups, as they are very susceptible to overstimulation. Babies under six months don’t need extra stimulation in the form of a group but moms benefit immensely from meeting other moms in a group and getting ideas for stimulation or massage at home. Between six and twelve months one group a week suffices.
• Balance calming and stimulatory activities and link them to the time of day. Calm activities are important before sleep times. Keep stimulation for playtime during the day. When your baby shows signs of overstimulation, take him for a walk or put on soft calming music in this way the calming activity will also be beneficial to his development.