Sisterhood of Motherhood
The Baby Sense blog

ANTOINETTE:

Tom (3) is usually a very well behaved little boy - as good as toddlers get I suppose.  He has his moments, but in general is great.  Last weekend when Daniel (8 months) came down with Chicken Pox I discovered the lowest point of Tom’s behaviour.  Every Sunday morning Grant and Tom wake up and go and watch a DVD together.  It drives me nuts that they do it first thing in the morning, but it is a special bonding time between Tom and his Dad that I let this one slide.  They snuggle together and giggle away at the movie.  Daniel happened to come down with the chicken pox on a Sunday.  He was so grizzly and sick that he needed constant attention.  Grant was playing cricket in the day so I was at home with both boys on my own.  Usually no problem, but as Daniel was so sick Tom became a little difficult to manage as he wasnt getting much attention.  I resorted to letting him watch TV just so I could know he was entertained and I could then attend to Dan.  That night’s dinner, bath and bedtime was the worst I have ever had to manage.  Tom’s world just fell apart and he could not cope with what I needed him to do to get ready for bed.  We had a massive fight that ended up with us both in tears (not to mention Dan adding his protests too). That night once calm was restored and I was on my own, I tried to figure out what made Tom behave so badly.  I worked out that he had watched over 5 hours of TV that day, when he only usually gets less than an hour.  I am convinced that this was the reason for his behaviour.  There was nothing else in the day that would have set him off. 

Meg, how much TV do you allow your kids to watch?  And what are they allowed to watch?

I would be interested to hear if anyone else has found TV to have affected their child’s behaviour.  If so, add your comment.

 MEG:

Nette I have done this - any honest mother has - TV for sanity or time to do something! Yes we all fall into the TV babysitter trap a few times. You are so right about the response toddler’s have to too much TV. There is an amazing book that deals with the concept of TV very well - its called The Epidemic. http://www.amazon.com/Epidemic-American-Permissive-Parenting-Resultant/dp/0060011831

TV really should be limited. I don’t always get it right. at the moment, Emily (3) watches half an hour of Barney in the morning and then about half an hour of High Five in the late afternoon. James (9y) is banned from TV the entire week until he has read a book. It is amazing how motivated he is to read now! On the weekend he can watch sport. Alex watches about an hour a day - Zack and Cody, which is a great sitcom.

I try follow these rules of thumb:

1. Babies under 1 year of age shoudl watch NO TV - I am worried about social problems, sleep probelms and language issues for babies watching TV under a year of age.
2. Over 1 year of age - limit viewing significantly to only a maximum of an hour of DVD or pre recorded TV - so that you can have no adverts and so that you have vetted the content. Otherwise with TV, a program changes and you have no idea what an innocent program is followed by.
3. Finally to determine whether it is okay content for your child, you must enjoy watching it too - anything not worthy of your time or that doesn’t make sense to you (eg TellyTubbies) probably is not good enough for your kids.

Hope that helps… Big subject!

MEG

I got this divine letter from my friend Susan. She has one gorgeous baby boy and she has loved becoming a mommy. I just love her letters as she embraces this precious time. I rememeber feeling this mommy high with James (9 years ago!). When one becomes two or three kids, you hardly notice the rose until it pricks you! So for first time mommies - LOVE IT! Heres what Susan had to say:

 “Stop and smell the roses can be so overrated if the rose is withered and old!” What an odd statement, but I am finding out more and more that IF you are at a good place in life and the rose is blossoming and blooming, than why not stop and smell it!What am I getting at….? I am at such a special, sacred and once in a life time moment, so why am I allowing myself to be so distracted about the cares of the world?This season of toddlerhood and until another baby comes is so short, I just have to keep reminding myself that no amount of errands, work, emails, tidying up or even mundane tasks like putting the washing away is remotely important. It is the season for playdough, baking, getting messy, just vegging under the trees and allowing myself the luxury of “wasting” time as I savour this special life that God has placed in my hands!So bring on the roses, lets take a huge wiff, while the supper burns and the laundry piles up!

 ANTOINETTE:

I love Susan’s letter too.  It teaches us to slow down.  On Sunday I literally did not stop and smell the roses with Tom.  Tom (3) and his dad went out on the bike on Sunday morning.  They were gone for half and hour and when the got home I was busy putting Dan (8 months) down for a snooze.  I knew they didn’t have keys to get in so when they knocked I left Dan, rushed down stairs, opened the door ajar and ran back upstairs to the now crying Daniel.  As I ran up the stair I hear Grant saying “Look at what Tommy brought you mommy!”  I Ignored him and ran to Daniel.  When I got downstairs Grant told me to look in the kitchen.  There on the counter top was a huge bunch of flowers (I haven’t had flowers in ages so it was so huge to make up for lost time).  The point is - if I had just opend the door enough and spent 5 extra seconds finding out how the bike ride was, I would have seen Tom on the back of the bike holding this massive bunch of flowers.  He had held onto them for almost a mile on the back of the bike.  He was so proud of himself for carrying them all the way and was so excited to give them to me.  But I missed the moment because I didnt stop to smell the roses. 

ANTOINETTE:

Meg, I need some advice.  With the chicken pox Dan has a very high temperature which I am finding difficult to keep under control.  I am giving him some medicines to help keep it down, but it is not helping much. 

MEG:

Nette, chicken pox can have some nasty complications if the virus migrates to infect an organ, such as the brain. Although its usually very innoxious just producing spots, its like any virus and can become a bit scary, which is why so many doctors advocate the chicken pox vaccine. If he is really spiking unmanageable fevers, take him to your peadiatrician.

In general, to manage Dan’s fever, firstly cool him down by undressing him. Then give him a Paracetamol based fever reliever. If he does not respond and the fever is as high as 39 degrees C, then put him in a luke warm bath to cool him down - not a cold bath as this will make him miserable.

 Good luck - it is very hard to see your little one so sick. 

ANTOINETTE:

 I love to wear my babies.  After Daniel (now 8 months) was born I used the Baby Sense sling that Megan gave me every day.  It is such a great way to soothe your baby and helps with those times when your baby just wont settle.  It was also such a treat for me to have him so close to me.  Over the winter months (here in the UK) my sling ended up under a pile of coats and I havent used it much in a while.  Over the past 2 weeks I have noticed Daniel starting to show some signs of separation anxiety.  When I walk out of the room he starts to cry, or when I walk into the room he immediately lifts his arms, wanting to be picked up.  I dug out the sling and am loving it all over again.  I now put Dan in it in the sitting up on my hip position.  He is so happy being close to me and I can still get on with things.  Again, it feels like a real treat to be wearing him again.  I have also discovered that it is far more convenient to use than to get the pram out the car when just quickly popping in to the shops or a quick walk to the park.  I love it.

 I am loving more today though.  Daniel came down with chicken pox on Sunday and he has it so badly and is covered in spots and is clearly feeling terrible.  He just wants to be held and rest his head on me.  I tried the pouch I have, but the fabric is too stiff and it seems to make him itch more.  Also it is too tight against his skin.  I went back to the sling as it is cotton and breathable and he is far more comfy in it.  I have adjusted it so that it is not too tight around him and doesnt rub his skin.  Perfect. 

Does anyone else love to wear their babies?  Add your comment so we can all hear about it.

 MEG:

Hi Nette- I am a big advocate (as you know) of baby wearing. It is simply the best way to nurture babies. When James (9 years old) was born I really battled to settle him at times. He became a sling baby - I wore him whenever he was unsettled. It was quite funny - Philip would only look after James if I left the sling - woe betides me if I left him with no sling - it was our crutch.

Alex (7 y) was so easy - I am not sure she was worn much but little Em (3 y) was worn daily. She loved the sling so much that whenever she comes into the Baby Sense office and sees slings, she says: “My sling?” Both my girls wear their baby born dolls in slings - it is too sweet. I love that they see this natural form of parenting as their way of loving their baby dolls.

I could not have done without my sling  - Em still went into it until she was nearly 3 years old. So you have a long baby wearing road ahead of you!

ANTOINETTE:

 This week was the first time I left Daniel (7 months) with a child minder.  I dropped him off at 8am and picked him up at 5:15 pm, I had a full day of work.  I spent the whole day thinking about him, wanting to ring the child minder to make sure he was OK and missing him desperatley.  I am very lucky, I found the most wonderful child minder who looked after Tom when I started working again just before he turned a year.  Daniel had the privelage of going to her, and although it was heart wrenching, I knew how happy Tom was with her.  He still goes to her from time to time and loves every minute of being in her company.  My fears of Dan having cried all day were quickly put to rest.  He had had the most wondeful day.  I was given the full run down of how happy he had been and who he had charmed during the day.  I feel pleased.  I am so lucky to have found her.

MEG:

That first separation is such a big thing for us as moms. I was reading new reseacrh on daycare the other day - in the USA they did a study of whether babies of full time working moms suffered emotional damage if they were cared for all day by childminders and creches. The results were not what you would think. They found that there was no emotional detriment to infants who were well cared for even if their mothers worked all day from early on. What they did find that impacted on the baby’s emotional wellbeing was two things:

1. Was the mother responsive and nurturing when she was with her baby, ie if the qaulity of their interactions when they were together was good and loving the babies fared very well even if they were in day care all day every day.

2. The quality of the day care was of paramount importance. The carer needed to be in touch with the baby’s signals and nurturing and consistent. Also no more than 4 babies to one carer is very important for the first three years.

So Nette, you are a wonderful mommy. You are responsive and read Dan’s signals so well - I love watching you together. And of course as you said it your carer is really super! So that is great that you have found that your little guy has coped with his first separation! 

ANTOINETTE:

Hi Meg.

I am so excited, I just had to sit down and write to tell you about a moment that stopped me in my tracks this evening.  This evening I was just going through the motions of settling my boys down for bed.  On autopilot - bath, cream, PJs’, story, bed.  Whilst putting cream on Dan (7 months) I suddenly stopped and just looked at him.  For a few minutes he had been pulling his towel over his face and then putting it down again.  I realised he was playing Peek-a-boo with me.  As soon as I joined in you could see he was satified and over joyed that I finally got the message.  I had been in such a rush to get bath and bedtime over with that I almost missed this subte communication from him.  It just goes to show … we need to slow down when we are with our kids or we might miss something really special. 

Once the boys were asleep I reflected on that moment and thought about what must be in place in his brain for him to have done something like that.  As a teacher, when laying out activities I always tried to ensure that each activity had educational benefit to each area of development.  I used the acronym SPACE (Social, Physical, Aesthetic, Cognitive and Emotional) to check that I was including all areas of development.  I thought of SPACE in terms of what Dan had just done:

Social - he made eye contact and tried to engage me and catch my attention with his facial expressions and smiling

Physical - he had to co-ordinate and plan his movements as well as keep hold of the towel

Aesthetic - he had enjoyed the game last night and wanted to repeat the experience

Cognitive - there was planning, anticipation, memory, communication

Emotional - he was seeking interaction from me, wanting to engage me rather than the other way around.

I am truley amazed that in 7 months he has learnt all of this.  The brain is a wonder.

ANTOINETTE:

My Tom (3) has Chicken Pox.  I noticed a few spots in the morning on Tuesday, but because of his sensitive skin I assumed it was just a bit of a flair up.  By the time he got home from Nursery though there were more and I was pretty convinced he had Chicken Pox.  Eeek.  Confirmed by the Doctor yesterday.  Today he is coverd in little blistery spots pretty much from head to toe.  He has been fine up until this afternoon, when it began to really itch.  I wanted him to have an afternoon nap to keep him out of the sun and give his body a chance to heal, but he could not fall asleep because he was so itchy and started getting upset.  I tried the Womb to World white noise CD to see if it might help him, and with in a few minutes he had settled and soon fell asleep.  Yippee.  I so wish I could take his place and have the chicken pox myself, not him, my precious boy.  Trying to keep Tom away from Dan (7 months) has been a real challenge, but holding thumbs that little Dan does not get it. 

ANTOINETTE:

You know how Oprah has “aaaah” moments - well I have mmmmmm moments.  Those moments in the day when your heart just sings.  Something happens that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.  My mmmmmm moment yesterday happened when I put Daniel (7 months) on some cushions of the floor and asked Tom (3 years) to please look after him while I got supper ready in the kitchen.  Tom usually gets a bit over enthusiastic and ends up hurting Dan if I leave him too long in Tom’s care.  But not yesterday.  Within a few minutes I heard this uncontrolable laughter coming from the lounge.  Sneaking into the lounge as not to disturb the scene I saw Tom blowing raspberries on Dan’s stomach, Dan laughing so much his tummy wobbled, this made Tom laugh and Tom laughing made Dan laugh even more.  It was just the sweetest little moment between brothers.  An adult free moment led totally by Tom.  mmmmmm.

If you have had a mmmmmm moment recently post a comment so we can all hear about it.

 MEG

Oh Nette, I love the idea of these mmmmm moments. I have so many and will share as I go along, but my ultimate MMMMM moment was 7 years ago. Alex was a newborn and I was doing the midnight feed - that terrible hour when you literally have to pull youself out of bed to respond to their cry for milk. After feeding one side, I was burping her, snuggled into my shoulder, standing at the window in her nursery, looking out over a sleeping village below. Odd lights twinkled and I felt the most immence peace about being a mom. It filled my heart so much that I ‘trapped’ the emotion forever, to return to it whenever the going gets tough.  Those mmmmmm moments - can’t get enough. I really hope some Baby Sense moms let us in on theirs!

ANTOINETTE:

Hi Meg

How can I teach Daniel (7 months) to self soothe?  Am I being unrealistic in thinking that he should not need to be fed during the night.  And am I being unrealistic expecting him to sleep through the night?  He has never been a good sleeper and has suffered from a cough and chest infections all his little life.  We have found that putting him on a pillow helps with his breathing when he sleeps, but he is constantly disrupted by his coughing.  Some nights he only wakes at about 4am for a feed, which is fine.  But most nights he wakes between 12am and 1am and will not be settled without milk.  He then also takes about an hour to soothe back to sleep.

I use the Baby Sense Taglet which he has had since birth.  He rubs it and holds it against his face and settles for a few minutes, but then wakes crying again.  He has also recently been given the Baby Sense Tati bear which he abolutely loves.  During the day he holds it when I put him down and will generally fall asleep on his own, with very little input from me.  He also holds Tati up to his face or rubs his fingers over it.  At night it is different though.  He needs rocking to sleep generally.

 Can you help?  I am desperate for a full nights sleep.  Even just a 6 hour stretch will do.

MEG:

When it comes to sleep, sick and refluxy babies pose a whole new problem. Because where we can expect a well, properly fed baby of 7 months old to self sooth back to sleep and not require a night bottle, it is different for these babies. You see, a well baby will stir into a light sleep state and self sooth back to sleep. Dan is doing so well falling asleep on his own at bedtime and during the  day that you know he should be able to to do so at night. The fact that he can’t resettle shows that he is uncomfortable when he wakes. What should you expect? A feed from 4am onwards is perfectly acceptable at this age (he has been asleep for 9/10 hours already). A feed at 1am signifies he is needing extra comfort. So firstly make his room as conducive to sleep as possible: try a humidifier to warm and moisten the air in his room. Secondly try white noise playing on repeat all night to try keep his sleep deeper. I would actually also check his ears - not for infection but for congestion in the eustation tubes - sometimes this causes discomfort.

If all of this fails and he is settling himself to sleep when he goes to sleep, then you know he is capable of self soothing but is just uncomfortable. In this case I suggest you don’t go the route of sleep training and continue to feed him as you are (sorry no magic cure here) and know that he will outgrow this later and closer to a year you can start to offer water instead of milk for those night feeds before 4am.