Sisterhood of Motherhood
The Baby Sense blog

Daniel (10 Months) woke at 5am this morning.  I put him in bed next to Grant, staggerd around to get his milk and popped to the loo.  By the time I got back to our room Tom (3) was also in bed with Grant.  Usually no problem, but this morning there seemed to be no room for me to get back in.  So I stumbled off to the spare room and enjoyed another 2 hours of peaceful sleep.  We have a king size bed so really there should have been enough room for me, but these days all the bedtime buddies have to come along.  Daniel has 3 bed time buddies - a Baby Sense Taglet, the Baby Sense Tati bear, and another bear called Mac.  Tom has 7 bed time buddies - Bernie Bear, Cuddlebugs bear, Mr Willow the cow, a Nemo fish pillow, his own pillow, a blankie and the latest addition, a toy tractor.  I love the fact that both boys have their comfort toys.  If Tom is upset or tired he always says “I want someone to love” and will go and get most, if not all his cuddley bits.    I too have my own comfort item.  A pillow case that is extra specially soft and cold.  A bit embarrasing, but I bet there are other moms out there with their secret comforter still. 

MEG:

That is so funny Nette - my kids have always had their doodoo’s (our word for blankies) and a toy or two. Alex (7 years) still goes to bed with a horse, a build-a-bear and a doll. So don’t expect it to end any time soon. The funniest bed time buddy in our household was a rugbyball - yip James still occasionally snuggles up to his leather rugby ball!

ANTOINETTE:

Hi Meg

I am so excited. Daniel (10 months) is repeating a few words that he hears.  So far he has said “bye”, “Hello” (more like heyyo) and the sweetest sound to any mom “mama”.  I could not believe my ears when he said it.  I had put him in his cot while I tidied Toms room and when I walked back into Dan’s room I heard “Mama” as I walked in.  It was so appropriate and meaningful that it just had to be true.  He wasn’t just babbling.  I picked him up and said “you just called me mama” and he said it again, clear as day “MAMMA.  He even did it again the next morning when he woke up … I am sure he called me before he started to cry.  Yippee.  It is not consistent yet, and he seemed to have moved on from the moment … but I will remember it forever.

 MEG

Wow Nette - that is just amazing. Dan has had the toughest start possible and many doctors who were there in the begining would not have believed he would live, nevermind have normal development! But this speech is beyond normal even - most babies aren’t saying a word with meaning until very close to their first birthday. And as we all know, its usually Dada they say first! I think God knows you deserve and need a huge reward and this is it!

ANTOINETTE:

Hi Meg

I am having some issues with Thomas (3).  He is such a devine little guy but is giving us a bit of a hard time at the moment.  He seems to be stuck between wanting to be a “Big Boy” and wanting to stay my baby.  He is so proud of all the things he can do because he is big, but he still wants me to do things for him, things I know he should be doing on his own.

He can also be quite difficult to manage, which is unusual for him.  Bedtime is often battle time where we have loads of tears and fighting.  He uses every delay tactic in the book and can be totally over excited by this time of day.  He is also in the habit of being negative.  He often says “I don’t like…” or tells me “NO” when I ask him to do something.  He really digs his heels in and is determined to get his own way.  What battles do I let him win and what should stand my ground on?

 One other problem is that he doesnt eat at meal times.  As with most things these days, getting him to do anything, but especially to eat even 5 bites of food, I am resorting to giving stickers, rewards and treats.  Am I doing the right thing?  He eats a good meal at playschool each day, but pretty much refuses his meals at home.  Could it be he is just not hungry? 

Meg, what are your thoughts?

ANTOINETTE:

 Hi Meg.

I get so many letters each week from mums (and often dads) with questions on issues concerning their babies.  One mum emailed me yesterday for the second time.  The first time she had emailed a question her baby was only a few weeks old.  Her email yesterday said “I have previously written to Meg and received such good advice. I re- read the email today and couldn’t help by laugh at myself - the frustration, the depression and all the mixed feelings of being a new mom!”  This comment made me think.  What is it about becoming a parent and being so responsible for this little being that makes us so unsure of ourselves?  Imagine if we were this unsure about making decisions in our jobs, or in other aspects of our lives.  With a baby we need to read all the books, trawl the internet, ask our own parents or clinic sisters for advice and ask our peers what they think before we feel we can make a decision.  Imagine if we did the same when grocery shopping for example, and choosing between plum tomatoes or cherry tomatoes. 

Parenthood is a great leveller.  It makes even the most powerful of people doubt themselves.  It brings to everybody confusion, doubt and anxiety.  Somehow though the joys of parenthood outweigh it all and we do seem to get through it.  The decision I am working on today - I can’t decide on childcare for Daniel (10 months).  Do I try to place him with a childminder or do I go with a nursery?  I am finding this a tough decision to make. 

ANTOINETTE:

Hi Meg

Thank you for your advice on helping Tom (3) to settle after our move.  He has now settled in.  His room has all his books and toys and there is so much more space for him.  Tom is also making new friends in our road and I have marvelled at how easy it is for children to become friends. 

Our new house has a little gate between our garden and our neighbours.  It is there so that we can water each others gardens if the we are away and for the children to be able to play with each other.  I was in the garden yesterday with Tom and Dan and the neighbours children (6 and 11) were playing in their garden.  Tom was chatting away to them and it wasnt long before the gate was opened and Tom was playing with them in their garden.  Even though I was there looking over the fence I left them to it, wanting it to be totally free, child led play.  Despite the age difference they played so well together.  No awkwardness, shyness, stress or rushing.  Just pure play - as if they had known each other for years. 

It was a real mmmmmmmmm moment.  Friendships are so easy when you are a child.

Hi Meg

We moved home last week and we are battling a little with Tom (3). He is so unsettled and doesn’t want to sleep in his new room most days. He has had some almighty melt downs. We have only been here 3 days and he has asked to go back to his old house. We gave him a few small gifts when we arrived in the new house to make it welcoming and he is really enjoying the extra space. We still have boxes everywhere and most of his toys are still packed away. There is a play room in our new house, so once everything is unpacked I am sure he will love this space. I am so worried for him though. It has taken over an hour to get him to sleep each night as he cries so much and becomes quite stressed.

Any ideas on how I can make this transition easier for him?

Hi Nette

Any upheaval is hard for toddlers and they manage to spin it out into quite story. You are right in that as soon as his room and toys are set up, he will settle down. So I would make those the priority. Interestingly I am reading a great book on developing emotional intelligence and coping skills in babies and toddlers. One of the key things is to help them name and claim their emotions. I would verbalize how he is feeling - “Tom, you are missing your old room/ toy box, mummy misses the pretty garden too, but look at xyz, how nice to have space and your own play space.” It will help him feel validated and understand his emotions. Another idea is to buy him a little indoor tent and set it up in the play room as his special place. When he feels unsettled this can be his own corner.

Finally if you find his sleep becomes unsettled and he comes through to your room at night, don’t be too rigid but let him cuddle, even if its next to your bed on a matress on the floor. This is a classic age for night time insecurities and they will be heightened if he is unsettled.

Enjoy your new space! can’t wait to come over for a cuppa tea!

Meg

Daniel (9 months) has just started crawling in the last few days.  I am so proud of him.  Each day his skill improves with better co-ordination and each day he can get that much futher.  Each day he has also managed to get himself into a hazardous situation.  Now that he is able to get places he is pulling on wires, putting anything he comes accross into his mouth (including chocking sized pegs from Toms peg board, lego and fogotten pennies under the couch).  He has pulled the washing airers on top of himself, got his fingers jammed under the door and today I saw him eyeing out the stairs.  Eeek, I need to baby proof our house again.  I lay on the carpet today trying to see things from his level.  Yip, the world has just got more interesting. 

Hi Nette

One of my friends had a baby 10 weeks ago and wrote this to me today - “It is funny how little sleep can influence your entire being. John helped me out and went shopping. He returned with frozen broccoli and chocolate cookies both things that I can’t eat while breast feeding. I burst out in tears and we had a huge fight about him not listening or concentrating while I tell him things. The poor guy was also just as tired as I was, and thought he would get us something else for a change.”

I know exactly how she felt, I used to crap on Philip for no reason. He was generally a darling, trying as hard as I was to adjust to parenthood but I was a bit of a tyrant when I was tired and emotional. I attended this talk yesterday at the NCT conference - on Fathers adjusting to parenthood and it seems this is very common and that we don’t recognize how Dad’s feel and that they are also battling with the adjustment as much as we are.

Another thing that I picked up was that if parents support each other well after the birth of a baby, it has a huge effect on the mom’s mood and whether she gets PND and on the baby’s long term emotional development. - Interesting stuff…

Meg

ANTOINETTE:

Broccoli and chocolate biscuits.  Hehehe.  I once got an aray of cheeses that I couldnt eat whislt pregnant.  Yes - he was just trying to help and thought he would “Try something different”. Don’t men know “different” is not always good when you are sleep deprived, hormonal and emotional.  Men! What are they thinking. 

Having said that I am so pleased we live in a world now where most men are keen to help and get involved in their childrens lives or with the everday tasks like shopping.  We often forget that our partners bear as much of the load, are just a sleep deprived and still manage a day of work on top of that.  It is that support that gets us through in the early days. 

Grant does the weekly shop for us from time to time.  He buys all the wrong stuff, not enough of anything and then moans about what it costs.  At least he is helping.  Gotta love modern men.

ANTOINETTE:

Hi Meg

I have just come back from seeing a very close friend of mine who’s little baby girl is only 5 weeks old. My friend and her husband are now at that stage of total sleep deprivation and total bliss. That stage where you start to do something and it never gets finished, you cant concentrate on anything let alone a conversation, you have so many questions and worries about whether or not you are doing it right - holding her right, burping her properly, why is she crying…? The stage of being totally in love with this tiny little person when each noise from her is a joy, and a little smile from her can make it all worth while. This is the stage in your life when you run on autopilot. You dont know where the energy comes from to wake up every 2-3 hours to feed your baby, you get nothing done, but are exhausted, life is a blur of feeding, pacing the floor and trying to get some rest.

My friend looks amazing, despite her lack of sleep. Being such a close friend though I could see the strain of it all. Looking down at her baby girl I wondered if I could do it all again. Everything about me says - Yes, 1 more baby. Despite traumatic events surrounding both my boys births, despite knowing I will be so tired, I can safely say I would do it again. Logic says no. Emotions say yes. Nature is amazing… it makes us forget exactly how bad it was….the joys of having this little person are the things I remember most. Nature wants us to have more babies. When I am asked when is the right time to have kids I always say “If I had know how hard motherhood was I would have waited 5 years. If I had know how wonderful motherhood was I would have done it 10 years earlier.”

MEG:

Hi Nette

I know what you mean - I am not sure if there is any stage in our lives when we are as much of an emotional wreck.  Do you remember that day when James (nearly 10) was 10 weeks old and I came to your flat - I was so tired and so emotional I could not do another moment of mothering. I just handed him to you and left. I went off to the shops to feel human again for a little bit and when I returned he had cried for what felt like ages to you. I was a basket case that day! But on the whole I just loved being a new mom - such conflicting feelings!

Meg

ANTOINETTE: 

Daniel is teething.  At 8 months he still has no teeth and now it seems 2 are going to arrive at the same time.  He has not had any nappy rash, excess dribbling or red hot cheeks, but he has been a bit clingy and grumpy.  This morning during an epic yelling episode I spotted the 2 little bottom teeth just under the gums. 

Can anyone suggest something to help with teething discomfort?