A good enough mom watches, waits and wonders
I am a good mom, that’s what my husband tells me and if I stop and reflect on it, I probably am but I have a confession: I find it hard sometimes to just ’be’ with my kid’s. I would love to sit under a tree all afternoon, pick daisies or chat about the merits of carpet fluff. But the reality is that technology, my job and life in general has primed me to be impatient and distractible. I watch my mom and she is amazing. She can sit on the grass at Kirstenbosch Gardens and just while away the time with Emily.
Of course Emily adores her granny and even my preadolescent boy tells his gran more than he tells me. I know it’s simply because she will sit and watch them play, wait for them to talk and wonder with about life with them.
In the 1900’s a wise psychologist, Elizabeth Muir, came up with a method of interacting with babies and kids called Watch Wait and Wonder. This method has been extensively developed and used therapeutically since then. The reality is that it is no rocket science – it’s so basic that it is hard to do. It entails sitting with your baby, and watching him play. Then reflecting on what he is doing and wondering at his abilities and needs.
It has been proven to decrease bedtime battles, improve relationships and increase self esteem. Clearly something we should all do.
Sometimes I find this easier said than done, but this month I want to slow down a bit and listen and relate with wonder to my precious babies!
Hi Meg
I have decided to do the same. Just take some time each day to play with my kids, with undivided attention. This morning Tom asked me to read with him and I told him - “Later, I just need to clean up the kitchen”. His response was “mum, you never have time to just sit and read with me.” My heart broke. I will sit with him later today and we will read books until he is bored of them.
I was able to sit with my 2 year old this morning, Dan, and I did just this. I encouraged him to look in his toy box and choose something. To my surprise he chose a blow up globe, and proceeded to use it as a ball, which was so fitting as I had spoken of the world cup football starting in SA. We spent 20 minutes running around the lounge like lunatics, throwing, catching, tackling, giggling, sneaking, hiding and bouncing. Daniel’s face was beaming as we laughed and played together. He was so disappointed when I said it was time for lunch and we would have to stop the game.
I wonder what he will choose tomorrow.
This morning I sat and watched as my 5 year old Tom played with his train set. I didn’t say anything, I just arrived and sat down while he was playing. It was an amazing game with people, animals, tracks and trains. Even a helicopter entered the scene for a while. It wasnt long before he wanted me to join in. I soon had a character to play and had to be the person who fixed the tracks.
We left his train track where it was while he is at school today and I cant wait for him to be home so we can play again.
Some feedback on ‘watch, wait and wonder’ - we try every afternoon to have some of this time. And mostly my toddler has been playing near or on me but not really involving me. He will come for a love but then go back to playing on his own. Then yesterday he came to me, pulled my jersey so I realised he wanted me to do …something for him. So I let him lead me to the shelf where he pointed to his play dough tubs. So I took them down and we proceeded to play together without me saying much - just trying to follow his lead. This was a double break through because before he didn’t seem to like play dough AND its the first time he actually invited me to play with him. It felt GREAT!!!
How wonderful. Keep it up. Thanks for the feedback.
This is something I really battle with - with so much to do and working full time, it is hard to find five minutes to just sit with your little one. But, I keep asking myself - what memories do I want her to have when she’s grown up? Of me never being there because I am so busy all the time? Or of the two of us having fun together? As difficult as it is, it is something that I must focus on…
The beauty of this approach is that it only takes a few minutes everyday to get your fill of quality time. Enjoy it.
The beauty of this approach is that it only takes a few minutes everyday. Enjoy it.
I am the Elisabeth Muir that was mentioned re., watch wait and wonder and I just want to say I am thrilled to read about what you are doing. You realise you are doing the most important thing for your babies and for yourselves and it can be part of how you interact throughout your lives together. Good luck to you all.
Elisabeth Muir, Child Psychotherapist